Don’t infantilize me, bro…
We’ve kind of, umm, had it. Love, infantilized women (not girls) of the world
In the July 2019 Democratic Primary Debate, Vice President Joe Biden greeted opponent Senator Kamala Harris (D-CA) with a handshake and the quip “go easy on me, kid.” Presumably, he was referring to her unsparing jabs in the prior debate — on his favorable comments towards lawmakers who had pushed forward racist policies, and laissez-faire approach towards school “busing” initiatives (meant to bridge racial disparities in public education). This comment immediately got my hackles up. “She’s a grown-ass woman,” I grumbled to myself — and later publicly on social media (I am a millennial, after all).
I’ll concede that my general dislike for the Vice President escalated the degree to which it did; I find him too committed to the status-quo (“nothing will fundamentally change”, he told Wall Street donors, which aligns all-too closely with his proposed policy approaches in important areas such as healthcare). He also seems unable to move with the times with respect to how we engage with marginalized groups in our society.
Yet more so, I do believe, the comment got to a very personal place for me — it infantilized the Senator, something I’ve experienced all too much in my life. I am short, youthful-looking (on account of genes from my father, who’s always looked younger than he is), and have an “innocence” about me (I’ve been told). I get called “sweetie”, “honey”, “kiddo” and the like just about daily — from strangers. I’ve gotten “I thought you were a little girl there for a second!”. It’s actually refreshing when, once in a blue moon, I get “ma’am”.
Thinking and researching deeper, I realized that this dynamic is alive and well in women’s professional lives, as well as in their personal lives — particularly in politics (beyond a comment from one Joe Biden). As Jill Filipovic of Cosmopolitan shares, in her piece “The Infantilization of Adult Professional Women”:
“Elise Stefanik, a 33-year-old congresswoman. from New York, is a “little girl” who “can always run home to Mommy and Daddy,” according to her opponent, Democrat Steve Krieg (he also called her “sweetie” and, after he was criticized for his remarks, said she is “a child”). Democratic Rep. Pramila Jayapal of Washington, who is 51, is a “young lady” who “doesn’t know a damn thing what she’s talking about,” says Alaska Rep. Don Young.”
Other prominent examples of this phenomenon are the political Right’s treatment of Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez [D-NY 14] (a silly little girl with fantastical, nonsensical ideas, they say) and Senator Elizabeth Warren [D-MA, and Presidential Candidate] (“Pocohantas”, which also throws racism into the mix). Another is the treatment of prominent climate activist Greta Thunberg — not a politician, but someone in the thick of politics and policy discourse.
They say that she’s “too young to know what she’s talking about” and “should be in school”. Yes, she’s young — sixteen years old. Yet, despite the rhetoric about her from the Right, she’s clearly old enough to learn about climate science and chilling predictions for what climate change will do to the Earth and human civil society. It will shape her life and that of those in her age cohort — so how can one argue that it’s not her place to speak on the issue?
This kind of infantilizing treatment is fully consistent with a misogynist intent to keep women subservient to men, Filipovic expounds; if women are painted as little girls, they lose the legitimacy of practical experience, critical thinking ability, and the perspective that comes from years lived and worked. More than consistent with, in fact, infantilization is thus a tool of patriarchy.
The root of all of it is fear. Filipovic puts it well; “now, women who pursue power, whether that’s elected office or a managerial role at work, are often competing with men, too. This co-ed competition touches on some of men’s deepest fears about what they stand to lose.” She sees fear coming out in anger, the kind women get when they dare push back against infantilization (they’re then a “bitch” or a “slut”, she underscores). In truth, anger is based in fear. And sometimes these forces act below the level of overt consciousness, in our subconscious.
Going back to Senator Harris and Vice President Biden, him infantilizing her out of fear — whether consciously or unconsciously — makes complete sense. Though Senator Harris has since dropped out of the Democratic Presidential Primary race, she had been gaining on him as a moderate Democrat candidate-of-choice — by measures such as polls, donation totals, and discourse around their face-off in the prior debate (as discussed).
In an even more insidious way, infantilizing women can act as a tool of men who perpetuate sexual predation (the public conversation around which greatly escalated with the bombshell reporting on Harvey Weinstein’s pattern of predation and the ensuing #metoo and #timesup movements). How so? Obviously, girls and teenage women (under the age of consent, as legally defined) deserve to have their voices heard and be treated with full respect — and full regard for their multifaceted humanity. Yet if a woman is colored to be a “little girl”, just as she loses credibility in the political and policy sphere, she loses credibility in eyes of the legal system and the general public to which she brings her accusations of sexual predation (to not euphamize, rape).
The intent here is not to “hate on” or “dunk on” men (as those in my generation may say). Women are also complicit here, through internalized misogyny. In her piece “Please Stop Infantilizing Me in the Workplace”, Danielle Corcionne of Ravishly discusses this dynamic, how it hurts when older women say “you’ll understand it when you’re older.” This kind of comment dismisses what she’s thus far achieved and experienced as a professional woman, if a young one (which, to my mind, shouldn’t really matter — her work and how she engages professionally should be what does).
She further describes how other women (and men, and non-binary folks, for that matter) who engage with her professionally are shocked to learn her age, thinking that she’s older. While there is a compliment there, Corcionne sees this “feeling of surprise to be a patriarchal construct — that on the surface, a femme is unlikely to accomplish so much professionally so early on in their career.”
Thinking back on the infantilizing I’ve experienced, perhaps it’s not about my height or youthful looks or air of “innocence”. Yes, I am energetic and “spunky” (I’ve also been told). Yet I also move through the world like I’m on a mission (because I am) — quickly, directly, and ambitiously. While light-hearted and with a healthy sense of humor, I’m also serious about what I do and — I’ll give myself, because I’ve worked hard for it — good at it. I’ve suspected that people have trouble reconciling these two apparent parts of me, one compassionate and idealistic and one driven and practical. People fear what they don’t understand. If I’m like a little girl, there’s less to fear.
In a patriarchal worldview (and, in reality, the patriarchal water we swim in), women don’t have this much complexity and multiplicity. We’re coquettish and sweet or ruthlessly ambitious, bookish and introverted or haplessly goofy social butterflies. While history, literature, film/tv and news media delve into the depths of male complexity, women are most often flattened and reduced. Little girls haven’t quite found themselves yet, of course.
So what we do about it? We can start by demanding space to reveal our complexity, and rejecting when that multiplicity is flattened. We must demand that we are treated as the accomplished, experienced adults we are. We can’t accept being called “honey”, “sweetie”, “kiddo”, or any other diminutive. At the anger we encounter at such lack of accepting that behavior, it is not easy, but we can keep our cool and show the perpetrators that it won’t get the best of us. We must keep working hard and make our worth undeniable.
At the same time, it shouldn’t be our responsibility alone to change the way the world works. Men must take the time and energy necessary to evaluate how they’ve internalized patriarchal constructs and how it shapes their behavior. They must work at changing their behavior, as may be necessary (and it is work). Going back to internalized misogyny, we women must do the same. For one, we can pause before saying “hey girl!” to a female friend; “hey lady!” is a less infantilizing alternative. It’s a small thing, but small gestures and language nuances can mean a lot.
The point is not to shame or punish for harmful acts that have been committed, but to build a better future together. And both men and women — and non-binary people — can teach our children a better path than these patriarchal ways of being, thinking, and acting. Perhaps then, we can build a better world together. We can start by not accepting one accomplished politician calling another “kid”. We can demand better — which is, in truth, simply acting in acknowledgement of human dignity and worth. I can’t think of much that’s more important.